Chapter 4 – The Peril of Self-Pity

There is a particular peril on the road from Babylon to Zion that I have struggled
with, and which I must continue to remain on guard against. It is the peril of self-pity.
I often feel the tug of it’s cloying tentacles as it manifests it’s desire that I should wrap
myself around in it’s satisfying embrace. But the Father has warned me of the peril
of this indulgence, and He has revealed how many Overcomers have in the end been
hindered from making further progress due to this peril.

A year ago I wrote an article about what the Father had revealed to me of this matter,
and much of this chapter will be drawn from that writing. Self-pity is a most hideous
peril for it finds a great appeal to our soulish emotions and mind, and it would lead
us to direct our will to do things that are rebellious and evil in the Father’s sight.

Those who have suffered the most due to their obedience to the will of the Father are
often the ones who have the greatest struggle with this peril. Those who have faced
the greatest foes and risked the most for the Kingdom are often undone in the end by
this subtle evil that lurks in the flesh of mankind. The Father has given us examples
of those who have overcome this peril. One who inspires me greatly is Joseph, the
favorite son of Jacob.

Consider Joseph. When he was a youth he was given dreams of what lay ahead in his
life. He dreamed that all of his brothers, and even his father and mother, would bow
down before him. He dreamed that God would raise him to an exalted position. His
brothers were already jealous of him, for it was evident to them all that their father
preferred him over the rest. Upon hearing these dreams they were further incensed
and inspired to act out of envy toward him.

One day when Jacob sent Joseph to check on his brothers as they were tending the
flocks, they saw him coming from a distance and they conspired among themselves
to act wickedly and to slay Joseph. Reuben, the oldest of the brothers, talked them
out of this evil, but instead the brothers decided to sell him as a slave to some passing
Midianites who were heading to Egypt. Despite the tearful pleas of their brother, they
cold-heartedly sold him into slavery, and Joseph was carried away into a foreign land.

I cannot imagine the agony of Joseph’s soul. He was rejected in the most cruel
manner by his brothers and he was removed from the father whom he loved. Once
the favored son of his wealthy father, he became a slave in a land where no one knew
him and where he had no rights. Certainly there was much to be pitied in Joseph’s
situation. Life had taken a cruel and unjust turn and there was no explanation for
any of it.

We know that Joseph was sold to Potipher, the captain of Pharaoh’s bodyguard, and
he proved himself faithful as a servant to Potipher. Things so prospered under
Joseph’s care that Potipher soon placed Joseph over everything that he owned.
Potipher’s house prospered under the faithful watch of this Hebrew slave. Then
Potipher’s wife began to take an interest in Joseph.

We are told that Joseph was a very handsome youth. Potipher’s wife began to entice
Joseph while her husband was away. Every day she would urge him to lie with her.
Why would Joseph not do this? He was lonely. He had been rejected by his brothers.
He had been sold into slavery. He could not discern why all this had happened to
him. The dreams he had in earlier days seemed far from being fulfilled. In fact, it
appeared that his life had taken a turn quite opposite of what God had promised. His
brothers were living as the free sons of a wealthy father, and he was a slave in a
foreign land.

How easy it would have been for Joseph to give in to self-pity. How easy it would
have been for him to justify giving in to the enticement of Potipher’s wife. After all,
here was one who found him attractive when those who were closest to him had
rejected him, and it seemed that his integrity before God had availed him nothing to
this point. Yet Joseph remained faithful to Yahweh and he refused to give into self pity

and to yield to the temptation before him.

Joseph would have forfeited much had he given into this temptation. He never would
have been found worthy to be appointed to the position Yahweh had determined for
him. He never would have been made a ruler in the greatest nation on the earth. He
never would have been able to provide salvation for his father’s household. Joseph
eventually suffered even greater things, as he was falsely accused by Potipher’s wife
and then thrown in prison. Many long years he spent in prison, but even there he
remained faithful as his soul was laid in irons and the word of Yahweh tested him
(Psalms 105:17ff).

There will come a day when all are judged for their deeds that were done in the body.
We are told that many will weep and gnash their teeth together in grief.

Matthew 8:11-12
“I say to you that many will come from east and west, and recline at the
table with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven; but the
sons of the kingdom will be cast out into the outer darkness; in that
place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

I suspect that much of the grief will arise as the saints and the sons of the kingdom
are shown what Yahweh had intended for them had they proven themselves faithful.
Many will realize that they threw away great honor because they gave in to self-pity
when Yahweh tested them through various difficulties and trials. How many will see
that they chose to curse God and to rail against Him for His unfaithfulness toward
them, when in truth He was seeking to prepare them for greater things? How many
will mourn the fact that they gave in to some impulse of the flesh because they felt
justified due to their harsh circumstances and misfortune?

Self-pity will be the bane of many in that day and they will truly know weeping and
gnashing of teeth. They will see those who overcame similar trials being rewarded
as they sit on thrones prepared for them, while those who gave in to self-pity suffer
great loss as all of their works are tested by fire and consumed.

As I journeyed forth from Babylon there were many things that I suffered. My flesh
grew weary from all of the slings and arrows that were hurled my way. I became tired
of the wilderness places I had to journey through, and I was lonely for fellowship, for
I did not know of another person where I lived whom I could share my trials with
and they would fully understand.

In this state I was often troubled by black moods where I was tempted to pity myself
due to my situation, and on one particular day when I was especially troubled the
Spirit spoke to me. He revealed the peril I was facing and I sensed a desire from the
Spirit that I should overcome this evil as well. Following are words that I wrote
nearly a year ago that express what the Father spoke to me.

I had lain down for a nap yesterday evening with several issues weighing on my
heart, and when I woke up I heard the voice of the Father speaking to me. I had been
in a rather dark mood as I had been pondering all of the difficulties and rejection and
misunderstanding I had endured over the last two years, and which I continue to
face. It has been a difficult place to have been stripped of so much and to have
endured so many trials, especially since it has been in isolation and lonely places that
I have had to walk.

I was in a dark mood as I considered these things, and I lay down to take a nap as
these things were on my mind. When I woke up the Father spoke two words to me:
“self-pity.” Following these words, He began to speak to me of the peril of self-pity.

Self-pity is a trap that some of the greatest of saints have fallen into, and because of
its effects upon them they became disqualified for further service and their mantles
were given to others. Some of these saints endured far more than other men, and
they were accounted faithful, righteous, and holy, yet in the end they succumbed to
the sin of self-pity and they could advance no further with the Father.

As Father spoke to me of these things, I sensed no severe correction from Him, only
a desire that I would gain understanding and overcome this peril. I understood that
if I gave in to self-pity, and began acting out of it, that I would not be able to go any
further with God. Again, this did not seem to come to me as a threat, nor out of
anger, but as a statement of fact, and I sensed a desire from the Father that I would
pass this test as well.

Over the last number of years I have endured much as Father has led me down the
path He has had for me. Some things I suffered due to my own disobedience, such
as getting into financial debt, while many other things I suffered because I chose to
walk in obedience and truth. I have become an outcast on many levels: from my
church, from my family, from friends, from Christianity itself, and I have suffered
much misunderstanding and false judgment from others. I am not alone in this, for
I know many others have suffered these same things in recent days, as well as have
many saints down through the years, some of whose stories are recorded for our
benefit.

Father reminded me of Moses, who was a very meek man and who walked in
faithfulness before the Father. He shared an intimacy before God that no other man
of his day knew, and yet he was falsely judged as trying to be a lord over the people
and of directing people according to his own will, when in truth he was walking in
obedience to Yahweh’s will. The leaders of the Jewish people falsely accused him at
Korah’s rebellion, and at one time even his own brother and sister judged him
falsely.

Moses grew tired of all of the rebellion of the people, and their unbelief grieved him.
At times he felt so weighed down with the burden of the people that he gave way to
self-pity. One such moment is recorded in the following scripture.

Numbers 11:11-15
So Moses said to Yahweh, “Why hast Thou been so hard on Thy
servant? And why have I not found favor in Thy sight, that Thou hast
laid the burden of all this people on me? Was it I who conceived all this
people? Was it I who brought them forth, that Thou shouldest say to
me, ‘Carry them in your bosom as a nurse carries a nursing infant, to
the land which Thou didst swear to their fathers’? Where am I to get
meat to give to all this people? For they weep before me, saying, ‘Give
us meat that we may eat!’ I alone am not able to carry all this people,
because it is too burdensome for me. So if Thou art going to deal thus
with me, please kill me at once, if I have found favor in Thy sight, and
do not let me see my wretchedness.”

Yahweh never corrected Moses for this complaint, at least there is no record of any
such correction. This root of self-pity remained in Moses until it bore fruit in his life
and he struck the rock when he was commanded to speak to it. It is to be noted that
when Moses struck the rock that he chastised the people with his words, yet his anger
was not a righteous anger demonstrating a zeal for God. Rather, his anger was rooted
in his own self-pity and his offense that the people were once again grumbling about
his leadership when he was simply doing all that the Father had shown him to do.

When Moses struck the rock he was in actuality demonstrating anger toward God for
burdening him with a rebellious people who kept falsely judging him. His self-pity
manifested in this action.

Later, we see in the story of Elijah that he too came to a point of self-pity. After
spending three years in isolation, knowing that if King Ahab caught him he would kill
him, he then called all Israel together to confront the prophets of Baal. Elijah was
outnumbered 850 prophets to one. He knew what it was to stand alone in obedience
to Yahweh. He saw Yahweh perform a great sign, and all the false prophets were
killed. He then outran Ahab to Samaria and overheard Jezebel saying that she would
kill him before another day had passed. In great weariness of soul and body he fled
to the wilderness where he lay under a tree wanting to die.

In both of these instances, the self-pity of these men led to their mantles being given
to another. Moses was replaced by Joshua and Elijah by Elisha. Even though their
self-pity kept them from advancing further, these men were not rejected by Yahweh.
We see that they are the two who appear with Yahshua on the mount of
transfiguration. They represent the remnant who are being called forth in this day.
It is therefore a caution that their same failing should be found among the remnant
and also be a point of disqualification.

As I lay on my bed and considered this, I was made aware that I and many others are
being tested in this regard. Many of us have endured isolation, rejection, and false
judgment. Many of us have also endured members of our families rejecting the truths
Yahweh has revealed to us, and we have experienced family members taking sides
with others against us. To add to our temptation to self-pity, many have also
experienced financial lack and we have had the necessity laid upon us of working to
support our families while pursuing the fulfilling of the ministry entrusted to us by
Yahweh.

I know that for myself, this has added to my complaint against God, and my feelings
of self-pity. I have thought that at the very least that Father should reveal His
provision where it is unnecessary for me to work and to write at the same time. I
have felt like the ox that was muzzled while threshing the grain. When so many false
ministers are growing fat from the offerings of the church, there is seemingly no
provision at all for those who are ministering in righteousness and truth.

Father began to show me that these seeds of self-pity have been present in my mind,
and if they are not uprooted and cast away that they will bear fruit and cause me to
be rejected for further progress in the kingdom. I was led to confess these things and
to ask Father to deliver me from the peril of self-pity.

It is interesting that both Moses’ and Elijah’s self-pity arose because they were being
personally criticized and maligned for doing the will of Yahweh. They did not
understand why reproach should fall on them for their obedience. Why should the
people grumble against Moses because they did not have water? Shouldn’t they look
to Yahweh for water? Why did Jezebel want to kill Elijah for having the false
prophets killed? Was Elijah the one who caused fire to fall from heaven and to
consume the sacrifice?

In the same way, why should the remnant saints of God today be condemned and
maligned for walking in obedience before the Father? Why should our reputations
be besmirched and our character be a reproach? Yet it is the Father’s good will.

As I thought on this, and the Father continued to minister to me, He showed me that
it is proper for us to respond with righteous anger when people malign His name and
character or act out of unbelief towards Him. However, in anything that touches us
personally we are to demonstrate a different response: we are to turn the other
cheek. There is no room for anger to be manifested in anything that touches us
personally.

Father showed me that I cannot respond in anger towards family, friends, or church
members for the actions or words which have been spoken against me. I am not to
react in any way, but I am to follow the example of which Paul spoke.

I Corinthians 4:10-13
We are fools for Christ’s sake, but you are prudent in Christ; we are
weak, but you are strong; you are distinguished, but we are without
honor. To this present hour we are both hungry and thirsty, and are
poorly clothed, and are roughly treated, and are homeless; and we
toil, working with our own hands; when we are reviled, we
bless; when we are persecuted, we endure; when we are
slandered, we try to conciliate; we have become as the scum of the
world, the dregs of all things, even until now.

It is one thing to endure these things and to entertain self-pity. It is quite something
else to be content with these things, seeing that this is our lot.

Many of God’s saints are enduring this test at this moment.

It is not by coincidence that so many circumstances seem to be conspiring against
Zion at this time. Father is testing her to see if self-pity will overcome her, or if she
will overcome it. The saints of Zion could respond in anger or wrath at the things
coming against them. They could choose to act angrily toward those who have
misjudged and mistreated them, but in doing so they would actually be striking out
at God for the unfairness of the burdens placed upon Zion. It is not a rock we would
be striking, our self-pity is an expression of discontent for the difficulties the Father
has chosen for us to endure.

I am amazed as I think that men such as Moses and Elijah could walk in such
intimacy and faithfulness with Yahweh. They could demonstrate faithfulness when
all others were unfaithful. They could have revelation and understanding of
Yahweh’s ways, and yet they could still fall prey to the peril of self-pity. It seems that
those who endure the very most must at the end face this subtle enemy. Those who
never walk in faith and who never know what it is to be called to stand alone will
never know what it is to be tempted by this peril. Only those who have walked down
long and difficult paths face this evil.

It would be very grievous for any of Yahweh’s overcomers to be hindered by this after
all they have passed through. Father has told us that we must give place to wrath, for
vengeance is His and His alone. We will never be justified in acting out of personal
hurt, nor of harboring pity for the difficulties and pains present in our lives. We must
turn the other cheek, and speak a blessing when we are reviled; we must endure
when we are persecuted; we must conciliate when we are slandered.

We are to count it all joy when we are persecuted and slandered for the sake of
righteousness, for great is our reward in heaven. As Paul, we must concur that these
are but momentary and light afflictions and they are not worthy to be compared with
the glory to be revealed in us.

Selah

I wrote these words nearly a year ago, but I find that I am still troubled by this peril.
I must daily fight to not give in to self-pity. As I was thinking of some current trials
I am facing that cause me great annoyance, and which have once more brought me
to battle with this evil, I was reminded of a movie I have viewed on more than one
occasion. The movie is “Lawrence of Arabia”.

This movie relates the story of a British officer during one of the World Wars who
was sent to the Middle East to enlist the help of the Arab peoples in the fight against
the Turks. He met with much success, and it was in a great way attributable to a
certain character trait that he exhibited.

Early in the movie we are shown Lawrence with some other British officers in a
lounge, and he is demonstrating what others think to be some kind of parlor trick.
Lawrence takes a match and holds it between finger and thumb until it burns all the
way down and is finally extinguished. He then asks another officer to try it and when
the match burns down to his fingers, this fellow British officer throws the match
down with an exclamation of pain.

While the officers think it must be some kind of trick, Lawrence confides that the
match burns his fingers just like anyone else’s, but that he simply doesn’t mind as
much. As the movie unfolds, we see Lawrence revealed in contrast to the other
British officers. When he arrives in the Middle East he must take a lengthy journey
by camel. When his Arab guide stops to allow Lawrence to drink, knowing that
Europeans are unaccustomed to the heat, Lawrence asks his guide if he is drinking
too. When the man says “No”, then Lawrence replies that he will not drink until his
guide drinks.

In these instances and many more, Lawrence exhibits the trait that he will not allow
the discomfort of his flesh, or it’s loudly clamoring desires, to dictate how he will act
or respond to a situation. His own stubborn will rules over the flesh’s demands.

In many ways, this is the same mindset that the saint must adopt to deal with the
peril of self-pity. The Overcomer will get burned many times, by hard and unjust
words, by situations where they know lack, by dreams and hopes that tarry and are
delayed time after time, but the Overcomer must not mind these frustrations,
bewilderments, and pains. Like Paul, we must proclaim, “I have learned to be
content in ALL things.”

There is a difference between Lawrence and the Overcomer that I must point out. It
is not the will of man that will achieve this victory, for it is in the Spirit that the saint
must walk. We are told by Paul,

Galatians 5:24-25
Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its
passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the
Spirit.

It is the flesh that wants to host a pity party, the Spirit will never lead us to do so. If
we will remain patient before the Father, in time He will heal up every wound and
He will fulfill every dream that He has placed within our being. Remember, the
promises of God are inherited only through faith and patience.

Hebrews 6:11-12
And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to
realize the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you will not be
sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit
the promises.

Don’t allow self-pity to derail you on the road to Zion. Don’t stop just short of the
goal. Overcomers must overcome to the very end. The promise is there, and it is
glorious beyond all comparison so that we can proclaim with Paul,

Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to
be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.